Parenting Your Child While You Are Still Figuring Out Yourself

On raising a child while you are still learning who you are….

Parenting is hard enough without also relearning your own brain, and you do not have to either one alone.

Parenting can be lonely in ways that few people warn you about, even when your house is full and someone is asking you for something every four minutes. There is a particular kind of isolation that comes from being needed constantly while feeling like nobody is checking in on you, and for parents who are also discovering that they are neurodivergent, that isolation can feel even heavier. Many of the parents I work with are supporting a child through an assessment or a new diagnosis at the same moment they are starting to make sense of their own history, and there is rarely a manual for doing both.

One of the questions I hear most often is some version of "How am I supposed to teach my child about their brain when I am only beginning to understand mine?" It is a tender question, and it usually carries a lot of worry underneath it. Many parents fear that they will say the wrong thing, or pass along their own old shame, or fall short because they are still working through years of masking and self-doubt.

I felt all of this myself today. My son and I are homeschooling this year, and following through and keeping routines has always been hard for me, both for myself and for how I parent him. When I slip, he tends to come apart in a way that makes complete sense to me, and I can almost hear what he might be feeling underneath it, something like, "Mommy let me have this, which led to one thing after another, and now Mommy is upset with me." Then I am the one giving consequences for a situation I know would have felt a little easier for a 9 year old if I had held the routine in the first place. As a parent and a therapist, I know that parenting him through all of it is my job, and I will keep doing it, but it is exhausting to keep everything in order for myself, for the people I work with, and for him, with very little room left for me to breathe. I am also aware that I carry a lot of privilege, and I have learned that privilege does not erase the fact that some days are sad, frustrating, and tiring in ways that are hard to explain to anyone else.

If that sounds familiar, the research says you are far from alone. Studies have found high levels of parenting stress in mothers of children with autism and in mothers of children with ADHD compared with mothers of typically developing children. Each of those experiences comes with its own kind of exhaustion, and each deserves to be taken seriously on its own terms. One focus group study found that parents attributed their stress to their children's behavior, unmet needs for support, and social stigma, and the authors concluded that these parents need mental health care and support themselves. Another study found that having a confidant was a significant predictor of parenting stress in both the autism and ADHD groups, which tells me that having someone to talk to changes how heavy the load feels, and that the loneliness so many parents describe is worth addressing in its own right.

It may also help to know why so many parents are putting these pieces together later in life. A 2025 study estimated that roughly 45 percent of adults with ADHD show significant autistic traits, yet an analysis of 1.9 million insurance claims found that only 1.7 percent of adults with ADHD had a co-existing autism diagnosis. That gap suggests a lot of adults have gone unrecognized for a long time, and that many of them are finding answers while sitting in an office filling out paperwork for their child.

What I have come to believe is that children do not need a parent who has everything figured out. They need a parent who is willing to be curious out loud, which might sound like telling your child that you are learning about how your brain works too, and that the two of you can find out together. (This can be a real relief for kids, especially the ones who have been quietly wondering why they feel different.) When you get overwhelmed and snap, going back later to say that you hit your limit and that it was not their fault teaches your child that hard moments can be repaired, which is often a more useful lesson than never having a hard moment at all.

It also helps to offer yourself the same patience you are trying to give your child. Relearning who you are as an adult while you are still packing lunches and managing bedtime is slow work, and it tends to happen in small pieces over a long stretch of time. Some days the most you can do is notice what drained you and what helped, and that counts as progress.

Support matters here too. Talking with a therapist who understands neurodivergence in both children and adults can give you a space where you are not the one holding everyone else up. If you would like that kind of support, you are welcome to reach out to Unbridled Counseling & Wellness at 704-324-1882 or through unbridledlkn.com.